1. 15:07 5th Feb 2012

    Notes: 12

    Tags: thoughtspolyamouryrelationships

    real talk

    Real talk

    My ex, D - the last cis guy I dated (we broke up 2 years ago after a year of dating but not fucking), is struggling a lot right now.  He tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago, and has threatened to do so quite a bit in the past year.  I have so little in common with him anymore - he’s 34 years old, but hangs out with 20 year old artist kids on the other side of town.  he sells drugs and does drugs and just spends way too much of his time fucked up.  I can’t have a conversation with him anymore and it makes me sad.  I don’t really know what to do about him.  I mean, other than phase him out of my life completely.  How fucked up is it to let someone go that you’ve known for 10 years (we dated for like 3 of those years non-consecutively). How fucked up is it to let go of someone who has known ME for that long - who has seen me change and experience a ton of shit? But I guess it’s time for that.  I just want to see him get his shit together and I feel like all he’ll ever do is cause pain to himself and those around him.

    I’m just having a really emo day.  

    I am working with some feelings regarding relationships in general. It’s good for me in a way to really examine the way I treat relationships.  The last one I was in would probably be something that lot of people want - it was mostly monogamous and comfortable and my main partner was always wanting to make me happy.  Except that I couldn’t quite deal with that.  I just don’t think that comfortable is ever going to be my goal when it comes to relationships.

    I don’t know - basically I think it’s a fucking baby jeebus miracle if you can find someone who suits you for any period of time. Someone who is matched so perfectly that you are just blown away by that.  It’s one of the reasons polyamory is so appealing to me - all my needs are met but usually it takes village to make that happen.  Well that’s not true, but I certainly can’t seem to find it out of a monogamous long-term partnership.  I am not really interested in slutting it up.  I’ve done that.  I am not wanting a merry-go-round of partners right now.  I want a close-knit, carefully picked, small handful of partners with whom i can related with intensely and who will let me in as much as i let them in.  I can see myself in love with two people easily - or having a primary partner who really gets me and my needs and who knows how to deal with the many facets of me.

     
    1. filigrees reblogged this from delicatetbone and added:
      Delicate t Bone: real talk...thing even possible? i...stop...
    2. filigrees said: i am actually welling up after reading this. you are so wonderful and i relate to so much here. xoxoxo
    3. former-contender said: This really bums me out. Sometimes it’s just not enough to want good things for a person since they’re the ones taking the reins in their lives.
    4. womanofkleenex said: If you lived in the same city, I’d direct you to my friend A, who is married in an open, polyamorous relationship. Both she and her husband are delightful and seem very happy with their relationship. I think you’d benefit from picking her brain some.
    5. pocketdonut said: I am so sorry, dear. Hugs.
    6. delicatetbone posted this